I’m really sad.
It is a feeling that, thankfully, has been at bay for a while. But like so many things in life, sadness eventually finds its way back. A little like a lost dog returning home, except when this one returns home you are not excited to see it.
There is a heaviness that comes with sadness. It makes life feel like you are walking through cement. There is an ache in your chest that hurts so darn badly you just want it to stop.
I know this feeling. My long-lost friend grief has arrived once again.
When Grief Comes Back
You really want to believe that once you have lived through loss, the next time won’t be as bad. Somehow, you think you have built up some sort of grief muscle or immunity.
It is a little like that second pregnancy. Miraculously, you forget all of the “discomfort” until suddenly it comes reeling back. Then you remember every bit of it.
I think grief works the same way.
You forget how much it hurts until the floodgates open. Suddenly, all that pain comes rushing back. The truth is, it hurts every single time you say goodbye to someone you love. The bigger the love, the bigger the pain.
That is simply the way it works.

We Had Time
I really thought it would be different this time because we had time. We had time to say all of the things. And I said them. Every last one. We held hands. We talked about life, legacy, love and what comes next. Most importantly, my aunt didn’t suffer.
At 88, after an extraordinary life well lived, she was completely at peace with “going home.” She was ready. In many ways, the peace she had about dying was one final beautiful gift she gave all of us. One day, as we sat together, I asked her, “Do you think you have more friends waiting for you there than you have here?”
Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. With almost childlike wonder, she replied, “I don’t know, but that makes me happy to think about.”
“I think you should think about everyone who will be there to welcome you,” I told her. She squeezed my hand, smiled and closed her eyes. That smile said everything.

A Promise
Before I left, I had one more request. “Please send me a sign to let me know you are okay and that you got there safely.” Again, she nodded and squeezed my hand.
“Promise me,” I said. “I promise,” she whispered.
This morning, almost a week after she died, I was getting ready for a meeting. I looked up and said, “I haven’t gotten that sign yet, Aunt Sheesh, and it’s almost been a week.” Then something happened.
I reached for a purse on the top shelf of my closet, one I haven’t used in a minute. As I pulled it down, an envelope fell out. There was my aunt’s perfect nun penmanship. My name was written across the front.
It was the birthday card she had given me in June, just days before her diagnosis. Inside she had written: “Look how fun 60’s are. Enjoy the adventure! You are a true treasure of joy, creativity and good.”
Well, she was speedy on the request for a sign. I have to give her that. I asked, and boom. There it was.
The Gift and the Ache
Of course, the sign didn’t arrive alone. It came with tears. It brought sadness. It brought that familiar ache. Most of all, it brought my old friend grief right along with it.
Don’t get me wrong. That card was a gift straight from heaven, and I am so grateful. Honestly, I hope there are more signs. The sadness, however, I could do without.
Unfortunately, I know it doesn’t work that way.
Grief is the price we pay for loving someone deeply. Right now, we are trying to plan a celebration for an extraordinary life well lived. At the same time, regular life keeps moving.
Meetings still happen. Emails still arrive. People still need things. Running a nonprofit is tricky enough on a good day. Trying to be high functioning while grieving is an entirely different challenge.
This morning, when that giant wave of grief hit, I worried for a moment that it might take me down. Yet, here I am. Back up. Writing. Working. Trying to process the reality that she is really gone. And realizing that this will be the last birthday card I ever receive from her.
That one really hurts.

The Yin to My Yang
I loved my aunt so darn much. She was the yin to my yang. I chat nonstop. She quietly listened. I am a spaz. She was the strong, steady presence who made everyone around her feel calm.
Our personalities could not have been more different. Yet somehow, we always had this connection, an innate understanding of each other that didn’t need words. She got me.
To grow up knowing that at least one human being truly gets you is one of life’s greatest gifts.
More than that, my aunt showed me the way to serve. If I am being totally honest, I have tried to emulate her my entire life. Of course, I skipped the religious life part, but so much of who I am and what I believe about helping others came from watching her.
She never needed attention or applause. She simply showed up and loved people.

Her Legacy Was Love
My aunt was kindness. She was joy. She was purpose and peace. More than anything, she was love.
A few weeks ago, I asked her what she thought her legacy would be. She smiled, held her two hands together and quietly whispered one word. “Love.”
Of course it was. That was her life.
I truly believe my aunt is home now. I believe she is smiling down, watching over and guiding all of the people she loved. By the way, that is a heck of a lot of people.
She is at peace.
I know the waves of grief will continue to come. Some will be small, while others may knock me down for a minute. Eventually, they will come less often. I know that because I have been here before. Still, knowing that doesn’t make today’s wave hurt any less.
There is a quote often attributed to Dr. Seuss: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Today, I understand those words in an entirely new way. I am smiling. I am grateful. I am heartbroken.
And through all of it, I am reminded that this much grief can only exist because there was first this much love. So, for now, I’ll keep smiling through my tears.
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