Next week we are heading to Texas for Parents weekend to see our youngest son. He attends a big college football school where weekends included tailgates, football games, and obligatory fraternity parties. With so many students heading off to college and parents concerned about fentanyl, covid and so much more, it seemed like the right time to re-share this story.
Gordie Bailey was a college freshman who died of alcohol poisoning from hazing his freshman year of college. September 17th marks the 17th anniversary of Gordie Bailey’s death. His parents created a nonprofit organization, The Gordie Center, as Gordie’s legacy to educate college students about drinking. The story is tragic and the lesson is invaluable. Sadly, it needs to be told over and over to each new generation of college students.
Loss
So often we do not make discoveries or connections until it is too late. We do not realize the value of a friend until they have moved away. We do not appreciate our children until they have left for college. Often, we do not realize the value of one’s life until it has passed.
Why is it that we wait to make these connections? How is our hindsight is so crystal clear and our day-to-day vision so clouded? This story is perhaps no different. However, the beauty of it lies in the ability to take that clear vision and create something that matters.
This month thousands of college freshmen have left home. Many students are beginning the process of Rush as they look to make new homes away from home in sororities and fraternities across the country. That is exactly what Gordie Bailey did in September 2004, as an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Colorado at Boulder.
Gordie’s Story
Gordie, a fun-loving freshman who had been the Co-captain of his varsity high school football team, a drama star, a guitar player, and a walk-on at Boulder’s lacrosse team was adored by all. He pledged Chi Psi. On the evening of September 16th, Gordie and twenty-six other pledge brothers dressed in coats and ties for “bid night” and were taken blindfolded to the Arapaho Roosevelt National Forest. There they were “encouraged” to drink four “handles” of whiskey and six (1.5 liters) bottles of wine.
The pledges were told, “no one is leaving here until these are gone.” When the group returned to the Fraternity house, Gordie was visibly intoxicated and did not drink anymore. He was placed on a couch to “sleep it off” at approximately 11 pm. His brothers proceeded to write on his body in another fraternity ritual. Gordie was left for 10 hours before he was found dead the next morning, face down on the floor. No one had called for help. He was 18 years old.
Turning Grief into Hope
The nonprofit Gordie Foundation was founded in Dallas in 2004 by Gordie’s parents as a dedication to his memory. The Gordie foundation creates and distributes educational programs and materials to reduce hazardous drinking and hazing and promote peer intervention among young adults. Their mission is committed to ensuring that Gordie’s story continues to impact students about the true risks of hazing and alcohol use.
There has been at least one university hazing death each year from 1969 to 2017 according to Franklin College journalism professor Hank Nuwer. Over 200 university deaths by hazing since 1839. There have been forty deaths from 2007-2017 alone and alcohol poisoning is the biggest cause of death. As Gordie’s mother Leslie said, “Parents more than anything want their dead children to be remembered and for their lives to have mattered.”
In almost eighteen years, the Gordie Foundation which is now re-named Gordie.Orghas made an enormous impact on hundreds of thousands of students across the country through its programs and educational efforts. If you have a college-age student, think about asking them to take the pledge to save a life, possibly their own.
Why is it that we wait to make these connections? How is our hindsight is so crystal clear and our day-to-day vision so clouded? Why is it that we do not know the value of one’s life until it has passed? Perhaps more than eighteen years later, our vision is becoming clearer and we realize just how precious each life is……
Charity Matters.
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As we get ready to say goodbye to 2021, I wanted to take a moment to look back at what we accomplished at Charity Matters this year. Last January we launched our podcast, which in itself was a huge accomplishment. In the past year, we have interviewed 31 extraordinary humans. Each story was a lesson in faith, resilience, courage, and compassion. These amazing nonprofit founders are the real heroes of our world in their quest to make life better for others.
While I have adored every conversation this past year, a few stood out especially from Season Two. I thought before we take our holiday break to get ready for Season Three we would take a moment to share a few stories that really touched our hearts this year. So let’s look back at some of the real heroes of 2021….
Love Not Lost Founder: Ashley Jones
Ashley Jones is the founder of Love Not Lost. Ashley shares her journey through grief with the loss of her young daughter and her transformational experience from loss to creating a remarkable organization that provides family photoshoots for the terminally ill. Her honesty and candor about grief are anything but sad. You will leave this episode inspired by the joy and purpose found from an unbelievable loss.
The Bumble Bee Foundation Founder: Heather DonaTini
Heather Donatini, aka Queen Bee of the BumbleBee Foundation. Heather and her husband Jason, established the Bumblebee Foundation in 2011 in memory of their son Jarren who was diagnosed with rare liver cancer at the age of three. Their mission is to inspire hope, faith, and the overall well-being of pediatric cancer families. Heather and her husband work tirelessly to serve pediatric cancer families. She is a lesson in resiliency and faith. She is truly remarkable and the work they do is just as inspirational.
The Be Perfect Foundation Founder: Hal Hargrave Jr.
I have been privileged to meet hundreds of truly amazing humans over the years. There are always a few that are so dynamic, charismatic, passionate, and wise that you can never forget them. One of those people is the remarkable Hal Hargrave. You may remember his story from a few years back. Hal was involved in a tragic accident that left him paralyzed fourteen years ago. He used that experience to serve others suffering paralysis with his nonprofit the Be Perfect Foundation. A conversation that is better than caffeine. If you have read Hal’s story and not heard his passion, you need to take a listen. Trust me, this will be a gift you give yourself today. The man is pure light and inspiration.
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network President and CEO: Julie Fleshman
I have to admit I was a little intimidated meeting Julie Fleshman knowing what a huge organization she and her team had built. Under Julie’s leadership, PanCANgrew from one employee to 150. PanCAN has funded over $149 million dollars in research for Pancreatic Cancer and created a platform that has fueled incredible change for the Pancreatic Cancer community. Despite my fears, Julie was beyond amazing, passionate and so much fun to talk to. Join me to meet this inspirational leader and learn about her incredible journey in changing lives.
Raise The Barr Foundation Co-Founder: Lori Barr
Lori Barr is no stranger to inspirational seasons because much of her life has been based around her now-famous son’s inspirational football seasons. Lori is the proud mother of NFL Minnesota Viking’s outside linebacker, Anthony Barr. However, it is much more than his football career that makes her proud, it is Anthony’s work to serve others with their nonprofit, Raise The Barr that is truly inspiring. Lori Barr talks about her journey as a single mother to nonprofit founder and shares her story of raising Anthony as a young single mother. Learn how they decided to give back to help other single moms finish their education and support their families. Lori is pure sunshine and inspiration. This is a conversation you don’t want to miss.
There are millions of everyday heroes all around us. These five are just a small example of the millions who work in the nonprofit space and give their lives to serving and helping others. Each person is a reminder for us all that we get so much more when we give. As we look back at 2021 and reflect on what we accomplished at Charity Matters, we find ourselves asking what more can we do for our neighbors and communities in 2022? Thank you all for being a part of this wonderful community of caring compassionate people. We are so grateful for you all and wish you a most joyous New Year!
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I love meeting new people and while Zoom isn’t always the best way to meet, somedays it just has to suffice. The reality is that an amazing conversation can happen anywhere, whether in person or online. Today’s conversation is just that, amazing. When you meet someone you haven’t met before, you honestly never know what is going to happen? This one had me in tears, in the best of ways and I hope it does the same for you.
Join us today for an incredible conversation with Ashley Jones, the founder of Love Not Lost. Ashley shares her journey through grief with the loss of her young daughter and her transformational experience from loss to creating a remarkable organization that provides family photoshoots for the terminally ill.
Here are a few highlights from our conversation:
Charity Matters: Tell us a little about what Love Not Lost does?
Ashley Jones: Love Not Lostis on a mission to revolutionize the way we heal in grief. We photograph people facing
a terminal diagnosis, provide community support tools and resources to help people support others,
and we train leaders in the workplace to create cultures of caring around grief and loss at work.
Charity Matters: Tell us about your earliest memories or experiences with philanthropy?
Ashley Jones: I have always had a heart to help people. As soon as I was old enough (around middle school), I volunteered in the kid’s ministry at my church and stayed involved for decades. Through a peer-mentorship program at my high school, I volunteered to help severely handicapped children at the local elementary school. After graduating, I went on an ArtsLink trip to support orphanages in Ukraine and also served neighborhoods in Northern Ireland through Youth for Christ.
When Compassion International came to my university, I signed up to support a kid in India. After my daughter died, I volunteered with Help-Portrait, which helped lay the foundation for creating my own nonprofit. I had zero experience starting a nonprofit and leading a charity, but I knew I would figure it out.
Charity Matters: What was the moment you knew you needed to act and start Love Not Lost?
Ashley Jones: As I photographed Kevin Hill on his very last day on earth, fighting Stage 4 Melanoma Cancer, I knew this was part of my purpose; helping other people through suffering and loss. When his wife, Rachel, shared the impact the photos had on her kids in their healing, I knew this work was important. I kept volunteering portrait sessions for families facing a terminal diagnosis and launched it into a nonprofit the day my husband came to me and said, “I love you and your giving heart, but we simply can not afford to keep giving everything away.” I knew I could find other people who wanted to help me give it all away to these families.
Charity Matters: What are your biggest challenges?
Ashley Jones: One of our biggest challenges is pioneering in a world that is taboo. People are reluctant to talk about dying and grief, let alone engage with it on a deeper level. Our first hurdle is getting people to connect with our mission. Another hurdle is finding people who are willing to give to support people in grief. It’s hard to understand the depth of impact if you haven’t been through it.
Covid was obviously a huge challenge. We lost close to half of our expected annual donations due to canceled events and people not giving (which I completely understand), and we’re still recovering from that. We’re hoping our virtual wine tasting event will be a big help this year!
Charity Matters: What fuels you to keep doing this work?
Ashley Jones: The thing that keeps fueling me to do this work is the impact. When I hear someone tell me that the photos we gave them helped them heal, or a support tool gave them the courage to reach out to someone to show them love, or I’m talking to someone and can see the “ah-ha” moment when something clicks and they have a moment of healing right there on the spot. It’s a beautiful thing, and that’s how this world is going to change for the better. Each one of us healing our wounds, one moment, one person at a time.
Charity Matters: Tell us what success you have had?
Ashley Jones: We’ve photographed close to 100 families now, impacting thousands of people through their friends and family grieving. We’ve given over 5,000 support cards out, not to mention the visitors and users on the digital version, HowCanILoveYouBetter.com… We’ve given thousands of empathy cards out to people to send to spread love and care through loss. And we’ve done it all on a shoe-string budget, but we’re facing max capacity and we really need to raise more to grow and serve more people.
Charity Matters: If you could dream any dream for your organization, what would that be?
Ashley Jones: As I dream for Love Not Lost, I imagine a world where everyone feels loved and supported in grief. A world where people know what to say and do, and collectively we help each other heal. I see Love Not Losthaving photographers in every major city across the globe. I see us being the number one place people turn to when facing a terminal diagnosis or loss of any kind. We will continue creating tools and resources to help meet unmet needs and build bridges to connect people with empathy and love.
Charity Matters: What life lessons have you learned from this experience?
Ashley Jones: I have learned some incredible life lessons on this journey so far, and I am sure there are many more coming my way. The first is that love heals. We all have wounds and we all experience loss. First, we need to love and care for ourselves; do our own work to heal before we can help others who are hurting. I believe hurt people hurt people, but healed people heal people. Changing the world truly does start with each of us doing our own work.
Charity Matters: How has this journey changed you?
Ashley Jones: This journey has broken my heart a million times over. But each time, I get to rebuild my heart. And each time, I find that it gets bigger and bigger. I have grown so much in empathy, understanding, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and seeing people’s pain first. I’m much slower to anger and much more open to possibility.
CHARITY MATTERS.
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Last week took our youngest back to his college in Texas. He attends a big college football school where pre-COVID weekends included tailgates, football games, and the obligatory fraternity parties. This year our son will be a Sophmore and will be on the other side of the fraternity rush. With so many students heading off to college and parents concerned about COVID and so much more this year. I was reminded that the 16th year anniversary of Gordie Bailey’s death is coming up. I typically don’t repost but I have shared his story every year. The lesson is invaluable and sadly, needs to be told over and over to each new generation of college students.
Loss
So often we do not make discoveries or connections until it is too late. We do not realize the value of a friend until they have moved away. We do not appreciate our children until they have left for college or do not know the value of one’s life until it has passed.
Why is it that we wait to make these connections? Why is our hindsight is so crystal clear and our day-to-day vision so clouded? This story is perhaps no different, however, the beauty of it lies in the ability to take that clear vision and create something that matters.
This month thousands of college freshmen have left home, and many are beginning the process of Rush as they look to make new homes away from home in sororities and fraternities across the country. That is exactly what Gordie Bailey did in September 2004, as an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Colorado at Boulder.
Gordie’s Story
Gordie, a fun-loving freshman who had been the Co-captain of his varsity high school football team, a drama star, a guitar player, and a walk-on at Boulder’s lacrosse team was adored by all. He pledged Chi Psi. On the evening of September 16th, Gordie and twenty-six other pledge brothers dressed in coats and ties for “bid night”, were taken blindfolded to the Arapaho Roosevelt National Forest. There they were “encouraged” to drink four “handles” of whiskey and six (1.5 liters) bottles of wine.
The pledges were told, “no one is leaving here until these are gone.” When the group returned to the Fraternity house, Gordie was visibly intoxicated and did not drink anymore. He was placed on a couch to “sleep it off” at approximately 11 pm. His brothers proceeded to write on his body in another fraternity ritual. Gordie was left to “sleep it off” for 10 hours before he was found dead the next morning, face down on the floor. No one had called for help, he was 18 years old.
Turning Grief into Hope
The nonprofit Gordie Foundation was founded in Dallas in 2004 by Gordie’s parents as a dedication to his memory. The Gordie foundation creates and distributes educational programs and materials to reduce hazardous drinking and hazing and promote peer intervention among young adults. Their mission is committed to ensuring that Gordie’s story continues to impact students about the true risks of hazing and alcohol use.
There has been at least one university hazing death each year from 1969 to 2017 according to Franklin College journalism professor Hank Nuwer. Over 200 university deaths by hazing since 1839, with 40 deaths from 2007-2017 alone and alcohol poisoning is the biggest cause of death. As Gordie’s mother Leslie said, “Parents more than anything want their dead children to be remembered and for their lives to have mattered.”
In almost sixteen years, the Gordie Foundation which is now re-named Gordie.Org has made an enormous impact on hundreds of thousands of students across the country through its programs and educational efforts. If you have a college-age student, think about asking them to take the pledge to save a life, possibly their own.
Why is it that we wait to make these connections? Why is our hindsight is so crystal clear and our day-to-day vision so clouded? Why is it that we do not know the value of one’s life until it has passed? Perhaps more than a decade later, our vision is becoming clearer and we realize just how precious each life is……
Charity Matters.
Sharing is caring, if you feel moved or inspired, please inspire another…
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of holding on and letting go.”
Havlock Ellis
2020 began like all New Years with hopes, wishes and dreams for the new beginning and the decade, it has been a difficult month for so many of my dear friends. There has been enormous loss, sudden and unexpected change, serious health issues and a host of challenges that were not in the dream category. I originally wrote this post six years ago and sadly it seems appropriate to reshare now. I do want you all to know that I do have a few amazing interviews in the cue and I promise that February will bring more incredible introductions and inspiration. Somehow they just didn’t feel like the right thing to share right now.
Twelve years ago I had a phone call that changed my life, a car accident, death, and nothing was simply ever the same after that call. A dear friend just received that same call and so it all comes flooding back…the pain, the loss, the heartbreak that feels like it will never end….it is simply too much. There are simply no words….
As I struggle with how to hold up my friend, I find myself thinking about loss and growth. I think many of us feel that growth comes in tiny layers added up over time and that each day’s journey gets us a little closer to inner-growth. I have a different theory.
I believe life is like an earthquake where huge jolts cause cataclysmic shifts like tectonic plates to our souls. In nature, these shifts result in mountains. Inside each of us is a similar experience. When the rocking stops we somehow come out shifted. Our vision becomes clearer, we see what is important for the first time, we learn gratitude in everything and the growth is as monumental as a mountain. It is the growth of our soul.
Joan Didion writes, “we are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. as we were. as we are no longer. as we will one day not be at all.”
When I sat down to write this week about the soul, I had no idea how I would conclude. I certainly didn’t envision this, but as I struggle and question why? I don’t know why an earthquake has leveled a family, I can only pray that the shift will bring the strength, foundation, and the beauty of a mountain to each of them.
These are simply words when there really are none…
Have you ever had a friend that keeps telling you, “you need to meet so and so.” Well, a friend of mine has told me for years that I needed to meet her friend, Marcella Johnson, who is the founder of the nonprofit The Comfort Cub. The stars finally aligned and we had a conversation last week that was supposed to last for forty-five minutes and when I looked at my clock and saw that two hours had passed I was in awe. She was beyond worth the wait and such an inspiration.
In 1999, Marcella’s fourth child, George died shortly after he was born from congenital heart disease. Marcella used her grief as fuel to help others who were suffering from broken heart syndrome and trauma in her creation of the nonprofit the Comfort Cub.
Charity Matters: Tell us a little about what The Comfort Cub does?
Marcella Johnson: The Comfort Cub is the world’s very first weighted therapeutic teddy bear. After I lost my newborn son George in 1999 due to congenital heart disease we developed the Cub to help other mothers who suffered from the loss of their infant. The Comfort Cub is specially weighted and is intended to simulate the weighted comfort of cradling a newborn. While the initial intent of The Comfort Cub was for child loss, research now shows it provides profound relief for any traumatic event. This includes having to leave the hospital while your baby is still in the NICU, the loss of a spouse, parent, loved one or beloved pet. It has also been effective for occupational & autism therapy, adoptions and those experiencing divorce or traumatic loss. Due to deep touch pressure, holding The Comfort Cub triggers the brain to release the neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, which causes the body to relax and feel comforted.
Charity Matters: What was the moment you knew you needed to start The Comfort Cub?
Marcella Johnson: Leaving the hospital empty handed, with nothing in my arms was one of the worst parts of the whole experience of losing a child. It was doubly heartbreaking because when it was time to be discharged my husband took all my things and went to get the car. I was in the elevator next to a woman both of us had just delivered and she had balloons, flowers, her baby boy and I had nothing to hold, it was so painful. Then when we were both wheeled outside to pick up her husband has the video camera, the balloons, and the joy. I just wanted to die. Then my husband pulled up and to see his pain looking at this happy new family was so hard, watching him suffer. We just drove off in silence.
What happened when we got home was that the emotional pain felt like an open wound. My chest literally hurt and my arms ached and no massage or Tylenol made it go away. There was a dull ache in my heart and I thought I was losing my mind. Twenty years ago people didn’t know about Takotsubo Syndrom, also known as broken heart syndrome, but research eventually proved that I wasn’t alone.
A week after the funeral I asked my dad if he would meet me at the gravesite and he had this beautiful pot of flowers to leave at the grave. When I held the pot the aching in my heart and arms went away. I was sure I was losing my mind. Then I began doing my own research on grief and discovered women who were grieving would hold sacks of flour or carried a pineapple wrapped in a blanket and realized that the pot was about the weight my child would have been.
I had asked people to donate teddy bears instead of flowers in baby George’s name that we would bring to the local Children’s Hospital. We had a lot of teddy bears and about four months after the funeral I saw a Build a Bear and I went to the manager and told him my story and that I wanted to try to create a comfort bear for other women like me. He told me he would help me after work and to go and buy all the split peas that I could find. We opened up the bears and filled them with 6.7 lbs of lentils (baby George’s weight) until we got the weight just right. The following year we started the organization because I was determined that I am not going through this in vain and if I can help just one other woman than I will be satisfied.
Charity Matters: Tell us a little about How you started The Comfort Cub after the prototype?
Marcella Johnson: Helping to me is second nature. I wanted to make sure that no woman in San Diego left the hospital the way that I did. My husband and I started a fund with the money that we would have spent on baby George. So instead of the money to buy diapers and formula, we bought teddy bears, ribbons and spilt peas. A hospice organization asked for ten bears and the Children’s Hospital asked for twelve. I got my girlfriends together and we started an assembly line.
I realized early on that this doesn’t belong to me but I am simply a steward of this. The way people have responded to this bear is so much bigger than me. The reaction from parents and people who have gone through trauma has been so inspiring. Unfortunately, when there has been a tragedy we have sent the bears. My sister lived near Sandy Hook and showed up at the office with the bears. The office manager said they had received 60,000 teddy bears and didn’t need another bear. When she told my story the office manager said she would hand deliver each Comfort Cub to tall of the parents of Sandy Hook victims. Then the parents of the teachers who were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary requested the bears. We made three hundred cubs for the grief group of the Vegas tragedy and just this past week we delivered bears here in San Diego for the recent shooting at the temple.
Charity Matters: What are your biggest challenges?
Marcella Johnson: Our biggest challenge is to get people to understand. Twenty years ago people didn’t know about the physical effects of grief and Takotsubo Syndrome. People can sometimes feel overwhelmed by helping women who have lost children and they either get it or they don’t. The Comfort Cub isn’t about sadness but about hope and healing. People are much more interested in talking about trauma than death. Why it is uncomfortable for many of us to try and find the words for people who lost someone we can not turn our backs on those who are suffering.
There have been times when this work has been hard. When the economy changed and we had the financial crisis in 2008 funding became more challenging. I had three other children, was making the bears, distributing them and it was a lot. We had a Comfort Cub hotline where we offered them for free to anyone in the United States who had a need. The San Diego Hospice group ran the hotline and funded much of the program in the beginning until a few years ago when they closed down. In 2013, I officially started running everything and in 2015 we became our own nonprofit.
Charity Matters: What fuels you to keep doing this work?
Marcella Johnson: This work is internal and in my heart. It is in my soul and I feel called to do this work. There are so many people that are grieving out there and we need to help them. I believe that I am supposed to be doing this work.
Charity Matters: When do you know you have made a difference?
Marcella Johnson: There are so many ways….I hear from the hospital all the time the comfort and peace the cubs give to so many. The people who write on our Facebook page about what an impact the cub has made. I find out second hand because I do not directly distribute the comfort cubs. However, a few years ago I received an award and they brought out a woman who had lost a child and she was carrying something that looked like the velveteen rabbit, it was so worn and loved. I realized as she began to speak about what the comfort cub had done for her that she the loved thing she as holding was her comfort cub. It is just wow to realize the difference we have made and it takes your breath away.
Charity Matters: Tell us what success and impact you have had?
Marcella Johnson: Since we began we have given over 15,000 Comfort Cubs. So often we learn that these cubs are usually passed on to at least three people. People want to give their cub to someone else who is hurting and now needs it. When you do the math that is touching almost 45,000 lives. I have a friend who is a nurse practitioner and she was recently doing a physical exam. The woman undressed and had a comfort cub tattoo. My friend asked about her tattoo and the woman explained that she had lost a child and that the comfort cub literally saved her life and she wanted it tattooed to always have it with her. That was an impact that I never expected.
Charity Matters: What life lessons have you learned from this experience?
Marcella Johnson: Before losing a child I always thought it was best not to mention a person who has died’s name. I have learned that you do not want a loved one to be forgotten. I make it a point to always tell people that whoever they lost, mattered. Also, the more you can do to help someone who is grieving the better, it doesn’t have to be anything grand but just to let them know you care.
Charity Matters: How has this journey changed you?
Marcella Johnson: My son’s passing changed my life forever. I wanted to know when he died where did he go? Where is my child? His death sent me on a quest to know more about my faith. It made me realize that we are not in control of anything. Life is short and we need to enjoy and celebrate all the goodness in our lives. Let’s go to the birthday parties, let’s go to the graduation parties and see our children in their plays. You need to tell people who are meaningful in your life that you love them and what they mean to you because it is fleeting. This is my journey and this is my life….
Charity Matters.
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Mothers. We all have one or had one. Just the word warms our hearts and brings a flood of images and memories of our moms. For me when I think of my mom, I think of her huge smile , contagious laugh and the midwestern warmth she shared with every person she encountered. She was gracious and kind and her life was all about who was in it and who was in front of her. My mom was joyful.
I have been without her now for 15 Mother’s Days. It is just so crazy to think she was only 60 when her life ended so abruptly, a decade from where I am now. Yet, her legacy to me is the reminder of how precious life is, how you never know when your time will come and to live each day with joy and purpose.
She died as she lived, having fun with friends she loved and cherished. Even in the moments before her death, she was living fully with those she was with. It is this gift and reminder that I hold dear, as I celebrate her and Mother’s Day.
Wishing each of you and your mother’s the gifts of joy, presence, and cherished moments with those you love this Sunday.
The second Sunday in December is an international day of remembrance for children that have died. Every year, in the middle of this crazy hectic season, I curse trying to get to this candle lighting event, I am running on empty and overload, a million lists rushing through my head…..and then I walk into the auditorium…..where I am greeted by hundreds of faces, many who are wearing their deceased child’s image on their t-shirt or clinging to a framed photo, as if it is a life raft…and I pause.
It is then, in this moment, that I know what is truly important. It is here, as I begin to hear one parent share the story of their child’s short journey on this earth and the big impact this small life had on so many, that I know what matters. In this room is full of sniffles, tears and broken hearts the traffic is forgotten, the holiday list vanish and all that remains is love and compassion.
The emotion is palpable and the love and connection these people feel for one another, although strangers, is real. For each of them has walked this path, a hellish journey where they never feel whole again because they have lost a child….their child.
Over 40 years ago, in 1969, a chaplain at the Warwickshire Hospital in England brought together two sets of grieving parents, realizing that the understanding and support they could give one another was greater than he could provide. At that kitchen table the Lawley family, Henderson family and chaplain, Simon Stephens created The Society of Compassionate Friends.
Today, The Compassionate Friends has over 700 chapters nationwide to offer friendship, understanding and hope to bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents and family members when a child has died. There are TCF chapters in more than 30 countries around the world, lead by volunteers who are bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents.
This Sunday, December 11th at 7pm, in time zones across the globe, the world’s largest mass candle lighting event will create a 24 hour wave of light in remembrance of a child gone too soon. I will be lighting a candle for so many, gone too soon and once again be grounded in what it is that truly matters…..love.
It is that time of year again, the house that was once full of noise and chaos begins to empty out as the kids pack up and head back to school, in our case off to college. Something I’m not sure I will ever really get used too. Last year when we went from one going to two, it nearly took me down.
People like to ask, “Have you worked through it all?” Or “Once they leave it will be easier, you’ll be on the other side of it.” What does that mean, “the other side?” Maybe, I’m an exception here…and by all means, feel free to tell me if I am. I don’t think loss, grief, sadness is something that you “just get through.”
It is not like a marathon with a finish line and once you have run your race, there is a solid line to cross that signals the end and you cross under “the other side” banner. Rather, it feels more like walking with a heavy bag of stones and each day you can drop one and eventually the bag is lighter but somehow it doesn’t seem to ever leave, just get lighter.
Of course, there are a million moments of joy, fun, laughs, and life in between. But those moments when you are alone and begin to think….you realize that the bag is still there. For me, that is what loss has felt like. The loss of my mom and the loss of my children leaving the nest.
It is life, it is a part of the journey but I’m really not so sure about this other side…but I promise to let you know when I get there.
The day after the Super Bowl we put our dog down, her name was Lucy. I have not been able to write about this, much less even process the loss until now. However, every time I walk in the door and there is no one to greet me, wag their tail and beam full of love, I feel the most horrible loss.
She came to us via the pound, 13 years ago as mutt, on death row at the Humane Society. She had been adopted twice and not picked up, but when we saw her, we knew she belonged to us. My youngest son’s first memory was having a playdate at the pound with Lucy to make sure we were a “match” and never had there been a better one.
She was needy, I’m sure from being abandoned at 6 months old. All Lucy wanted was love. She didn’t jump or lick all over you but she just smiled wagged her tail and made you feel as if you were the center of her world. She loved our three sons and was crazy protective of all of us. Sure, in the early days, she ate a lot of furniture, she loved cushions and upholstery, but after that…she was as great of a dog as anyone could ever ask for.
A week before Christmas, when we were days from our move, she didn’t seem right, so we took her to the vet. They told us she needed spinal surgery and put her on cortisone. Shortly after, she bounced back and seemed almost herself. In reality, I think she knew it was her time and just held on a little longer because of the move. She always thought about everyone but herself.
Almost a month from the move, things suddenly were not ok. The vet said it was time to say goodbye to Lucy and came to the house for us. The boys faced timed the dog from college to say goodbye and she just kept looking for them. The three of us sat around her and told her we loved her and it was ok to go.
Old Yeller wasn’t half as sad as this moment. She kept trying to get one last look, not wanting to leave us, our protector until the end. Saying goodbye is never easy but saying goodbye to a member of your family whose sole mission was to provide love, is impossible.
Thank you sweet Lucy for showing us that love is boundless and forever. I loved you so Lucy.
There are times when there are just not words. One of those times is the loss of a child. There is nothing that can be said that heals the empty place left behind by one you loved so deeply.
Yet, families have to begin to pick up the pieces of their lives and try to find a place of hope when it seems there isn’t any. That place is Faith’s Lodge.Org. Faith’s Lodge was started by Mark and Susan Laceck who lost their infant daughter and were determined to help others with her legacy.
What they created was a beautiful lodge where families who have lost children can go together to relax, create new memories, reflect, grieve and heal.
There are times when there are just not words. One of those times is the loss of a child. There is nothing that can be said that heals the empty place left behind by one you loved so deeply.